Gaslighting is not an innate skill. A gaslighter is a student of social learning where people often turn a blind eye to things another person does for them and takes them for granted and makes the other person feel deficient.
Gaslighting is an umbrella term for manipulating and emotional abuse that can lead to an immense amount of self-doubt and low self-esteem. We all have been gaslighted and many of us must have gaslighted others too without even realizing it. Anyone can be a gaslighter, it can be a teacher, parent, friend, colleague, superior, politician, family, or even you yourself.
EXAMPLE: Imagine it is your friend’s birthday and you took a lot of effort and planned a surprise for them but in the end, rather than appreciating it your friend criticizes you about certain aspects of the surprise and responds by refusing to acknowledge that efforts behind the surprise, they are gaslighting you.
A victim who has been going through this abuse may not even comprehend going through it but it becomes like a reality where they think whatever they do is not enough. But waking up from the nightmare of self-doubt and finally realizing what gaslighting is and learning the technique of recognizing it and shutting off the immense toll it takes on our mental health in the very start is something we can do.
Origin of the word “GASLIGHTING”
The phrase originated from a 1938 mystery thriller written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton called Gas Light where the husband kept manipulating his very truthful and trusting wife into believing she can no longer trust her own perceptions of truth. The husband causes the gaslights in the house to flicker by turning them on in the attic of the house. Yet when Paula asked him why the gaslights are flickering, he insists that it’s not really happening and that it’s all in her mind, causing her to doubt her self-perception. Hence the term “gaslighting” was born.
What ignites the fire of gaslighting in people?
Ego fuels the ignition of fire in gas lighters and an unequal power dynamic often results as the cause of gaslighting.
Being superior to a person fuels our ego of being right all the time and even if they are incorrect, they would manipulate the inferiors into thinking that they are the ones doing things wrongly.
What turns us into Gaslighters?
When we want to ease some anxiety and feel “in charge” again we turn into gaslighters. It’s a way for someone to deflect responsibility and tear down someone else, all the while keeping the other person hooked, especially if what they are hooked on is the desperate need to please another person — or prove that person wrong.
As I mentioned above, people aren’t born gaslighters but become one later in life as they come across social learning, even understand it but then stumble upon it and end up becoming gaslighters themselves. At this point, they are too deeply involved in being a gaslighter that they lack self-awareness and pretend that they are not wrong but a victim themselves.
Story of Beck and Danny
Beck and Danny were classmates, more like frenemies. But in the last year of their high school Beck’s feelings eventually started changing from frenemies to infatuation and then finally crushing. She confessed her feelings to Danny and it was shocking to know but he liked Becky for a long time too. They then started dating…
Time passed and even after one year they were still together but something had changed. Becky felt like Danny wasn’t being fully truthful to her because she got to know he was flirting with one of her college friends. So, she talked to Danny about this but he kept denying it and instead got mad at Becky and made her feel crazy for suspecting this. Becky felt guilty and she thought she misunderstood him by being flirtatious when he was just being a good friend so she apologized to him many times for this and then finally the problem got resolved.
Later on, when she had gone out for a coffee with her friends, she saw Danny’s text on her friend’s cell phone and that “text” again put Becky in the loop of being betrayed but this time from his text, it was clear that he was cheating on Becky so again she talked to Danny and he made up an excuse for that text. But this time Becky did not fall into the trap of Danny’s gaslighting.
How to prevent from falling into the trap of the Gaslighter?
This time Becky knew that the text Danny had sent to her friend was not similar to how friends text each other. She believed herself and even after hearing out Danny’s excuses she did not let herself fall into the trap of Danny’s lies and manipulation and stuck on her gut feeling and the truth about this whole situation and broke up with Danny. Just like Becky, you can go through some ways from preventing yourself from falling into the trap of a gaslighter.
- You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” many times per day.\
- You often feel confused and even crazy in the relationship.
- You’re always apologizing.
- You can’t understand why you aren’t happier.
- You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behaviour.
- You know something is wrong but you just don’t know what.
- You start lying to avoid put-downs and reality twists.
- You have trouble making simple decisions.
- You wonder if you are good enough.
Some common phrases you might hear from your gaslighter are:
- You know that’s just because you are so insecure.
- You are just paranoid.
- I was just joking!
- You are making that up.
- It’s no big deal.
- You’re overreacting.
- You are always so dramatic.
- There you go again, you are so ungrateful.
- You’re so immature
If you are a victim of gaslighting then I would suggest you to:
- Identify the problem
- Sort out the truth from distortion
- Engage in a mental exercise to encourage a mindset shift
- Give yourself permission to feel all your feelings
- Give yourself the okay to give something up
- Talk to your close friends
- Focus on feelings instead of right and wrong
- Remember that you can’t control anyone’s opinion, even if you are right
Gaslighting is the most common social learning and I believe each of us has gone through a subtle or heavy amount of gaslighting at least once in our lives. We must have even been the gaslighter in other’s life and as hard it is to realize it at that point it is necessary that we do. It is integral that we put ourselves in their position and look with a neutral eye that whatever we are doing is gaslighting or not and if it is you must know that you have to try to stop it cause gaslighting seems like a small and common thing but it can ruin people’s self-esteem, confidence, and their personality because of you.
Nevertheless, realization is the key, and if you have realized if you are being gaslighted or you are the gaslighter you know what to do now, Best of Luck:)
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